Superior man
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Would you like to find out more about couple counselling and psychosexual therapy?
If so, email or phone on 07927 026 299.
Women really want
Ever wondered what women really want from sex?
If so, click here, and read this article from Psychology Today.
Naom Shpancer explores the question of what motivates female sexual desire.
The article considers a variety strands of research. What women really want is discussed from many different angles. The reader is taken on an interesting and illuminating journey. In many ways, the journey is more thought provoking and exciting than the conclusions drawn.
For more on what women [and men] really want, check out Esther Perel. Click here to see her in my blog on intimacy in long-term relationships.
Female sexuality course
As a woman, are you curious about female sexuality? What does it mean for you, in your life? To explore this further, try my course Befriending your body: Understanding female sexuality.
Are sexual issues impacting on your relationship? If so, relationship counselling and psychosexual therapy can help. To find out more phone on 07927 026 299, or email.
Sexual expectations
Media presentation can make sex look effortless and amazing every time!
| Dr. Lori Brotto talks about her research examining female sexual experience.
Sexual myths can cause confused sexual expectations for women. Like the rest of life, the reality of sex can be varied. |
Women need more information about normal sexuality to challenge unrealistic sexual expectations.
Sex can be a strangely taboo subject. The media presents it in a formulaic and overly simplistic manner. It can be helpful for women talk to each other about sexuality. My course, Befriending your body: Understanding female sexuality, for women, provides education and different perspectives to consider sexuality from.
To find out more about couple counselling, sex therapy or Befriending your body course call on 07927 026 299, or email.
Dying regrets
Top 10 regrets in life by those about to die
Palliative nurse, Bronnie Ware, cared for patients in the last weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies, gathering them together in a book.
“When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently,” she says, “common themes surfaced again and again.”
This list is for reflection. Possibly not all the thoughts will seem relevant or helpful to you. Perhaps it can be used as a reference point to understand what adjustments you would like to make moving forward.
Top 10 Dying Regrets
- I never pursued my dreams and aspirations.
- I worked too much and never made time for my family.
- I should have made more time for my friends.
- I should have said ‘I love you’ a lot more.
- I should have spoken my mind instead of holding back and resenting things.
- I should have been the bigger person and resolved my problems.
- I wish I had children.
- I should have saved more money for my retirement.
- Not having the courage to live truthfully.
- Happiness is a Choice, I wish I knew that earlier.
Relationships and communication feature repeatedly in the top 10 Dying Regrets. It is never to late to change the way you relate to the people you care about.
Do phone or email if you have any questions about couple counselling and psychosexual therapy.
Passionate relationship
Relationships require people to grow, mature and differentiate.
| Dr David Schnarch talks about relationships as “people-growing machines.”
Relationships force people to ask the question: Do I belong to you or do I belong to me? |
Passionate relationship
Do you are feel as if you have fallen out of love with your partner? Was sex once great and now it is a disappointment? Schnarch suggests that this is a normal part of the relationship process.
Schnarch and the Nature of Relationships
- Relationships, by their very nature, lead to gridlock and a reduction of passion. This is not the beginning of the end. It is when the relationship starts to get interesting.
- It is overcoming the inherent frustrations of relationships that leads to a deepening of passion and intimacy over time.
- Relationships require individuals to become more self-aware and self-sufficient. This leads to increased ability to see the other clearly.
The following abilities help create a long-term passionate relationship:
- Being able to validate yourself
- Having ways to regulating anxiety
- Avoiding being over-reactive
- Being able to tolerate painful growth
To find out more try reading Intimacy and Desire by Dr. Schnarch.
To explore issues with passion and desire in your relationship, if you want a passionate relationship, email or call me on 07927 026 299 or 01225 975 166.
Gender spectrum
Exploring the gender spectrum
Gender has many different elements:Biological SexThe physical structure of one’s reproductive organs that is used to assign sex at birth. Biological sex is determined by chromosomes (XX for females; XY for males); hormones (estrogen/progesterone for females, testosterone for males); and internal and external genitalia (vulva, clitoris, vagina for assigned females, penis and testicles for assigned males). Given the potential variation in all of these, biological sex must be seen as a spectrum or range of possibilities rather than a binary set of two options. |
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Gender Identity
One’s innermost concept of self as male or female or both or neither—how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different than the sex assigned at birth. Individuals are conscious of this between the ages 18 months and 3 years. Most people develop a gender identity that matches their biological sex. For some, however, their gender identity is different from their biological or assigned sex.
Sexual Orientation
Refers to being romantically or sexually attracted to people of a specific gender. Our sexual orientation and our gender identity are separate, distinct parts of our overall identity. Although a child may not yet be aware of their sexual orientation, they usually have a strong sense of their gender identity.
Gender Expression
Refers to the ways in which people externally communicate their gender identity to others through behavior, clothing, haircut, voice, and other forms of presentation. Gender expression also works the other way. People assign gender to others based on their appearance, mannerisms, and other gendered characteristics. Sometimes, transgender people seek to match their physical expression with their gender identity, rather than their birth-assigned sex. Gender expression is not necessarily an indication of sexual orientation.
Gender Role
This is the set of roles, activities, expectations and behaviors assigned to females and males by society. Our culture recognizes two basic gender roles: Masculine (having the qualities attributed to males) and feminine (having the qualities attributed to females). Other cultures have three or more gender roles.
If you want to find out more about gender spectrum you can contact The Beaumont Society.
Click for more information about relationship counselling and sex therapy.
Benefits of meditation
Meditation can reshape our brains
| Check out this Tedx talk by Sara Lazar.
Amazing brain scans show meditation can actually change the size of key regions of our brain. |
- There are biological reasons for the benefits of meditation.
- These benefits include improvements in memory, empathy, compassion, and resilience under stress.
Mindfulness and meditation
Mindfulness is moment-by-moment awareness of thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, characterized mainly by gentle non-judgmental acceptance.
- Meditation is the method used to cultivate mindfulness in life.
- Practicing meditation regularly develops your attention muscle, and your ability to be mindful.
- Mindfulness, being present in each moment, aware of body sensations and thoughts, is an important part of sexual response.
Here are some different ways you can learn about mindfulness:
- Try doing an 8 week course in mindfulness meditation.
- Headspace have a very good app for daily mindfulness meditation.
- Buy a book about mindfulness with a instructional CD included.
- To find out about mindfulness and female sexuality check out my course.
Call me on 07927 026 299, or email, to find out more about the benefits of meditation and mindfulness.
Awakening sexuality for women
| Becoming a sexual woman can be exciting, intimidating and terrifying all at the same time.
As a sex therapist I’ve worked with lots of women who want help awakening sexuality. Some are single, and some are in relationships. All are looking to be more sexually uninhibited, free and relaxed. |
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Here are some thoughts about awakening sexuality
Being sexual has to be a decision for you.
You won’t be authentically in it if you decide to be sexual because your partner wants you to.
You can make a choice to learn about your sexuality and have better sex if you choose to do so.
Don’t let someone talk you into it because that’s what they want for you.
You need to have a discussion with yourself about if you are ready to become more sexual.Once you decide it’s for you then go on to the next step.
Being kind and loving to your body
You have only one body. Make the most of it. Almost everyone is dissatisfied with their body in some way. Decide to live the for the moment and treat your body with kindness and compassion today.
- Have a shower or bath and explore each part of your body as you wash it with care.
- Notice what makes you relax and unwind.
- Try foods with different tastes and textures and see what you enjoy.
Being sensual is an important part of being sexual.
Take a mirror and look at your vulva
The outside parts of the female genitals are known collectively as the vulva.
It will be hard for you to know what you want sexually, until you know what is there. The vulva is an important, dynamic part of your body that you cannot easily see. Every woman’s vulva is unique and different.
A hand mirror works best to take a look at your vulva and vagina.
Vulva’s come in all shapes and sizes. Identify your outer lips [labium majus], your inner lips [labium minus] and find your clitoris and vaginal opening. Understand that most orgasms stem from your clitoris so it’s important to find where it is positioned.
Explore your sexual fantasies
Thinking about sex will make you feel more sexual. Reading erotica and watching porn will also put you in the mood for being sexual with yourself.
Learn about awakening sexualtiy
There is link between masturbating and sexual confidence. Some of us were raised to believe and think sex is dirty and girls aren’t supposed to touch themselves. Your body belongs to you. It is fine to give yourself pleasure and masturbate when you want.
You can order a vibrator online and have it sent right to your house. The Beginner’s Guide to Vibrators at Lovehoney is a good place to start.
Try touching, exploring, pleasuring the vulva, clitoris, and the area around the clitoris, with your fingers or a vibrator. Practice masturbating a few times a week. You will begin developing an appetite for being sexual more quickly if you are pleasuring yourself on a regular basis. You will also begin building sexual self confidence as you learn how your body reacts and what feels good to you.
If you are having difficulty awakening sexuality, then sex therapy can help.
Call me on 07927 260 299, or email if you need more information.
Sex and sexuality
Sexuality is a complex, multi-factorial, sometimes paradoxical, universal experience. 
- As with the rest of life, with sex, sometimes all goes well, and sometimes problems arise.
- Sexual issues are often treated as physical difficulties to be overcome.
- It can be helpful to view them in a more holistic manner.
Understanding about the different factors involved in sex and sexuality empowers each person work out what they need to have a satisfying sex life.
There are many different levels and conflicting elements to sexuality. Each individual has a unique dynamic sexual make up. This changes all the time as a result of new information and experience.
There are many relational factors to sexuality. These are some of the factors that can affect an individual’s sexuality:
- Ideas about sex come from society, culture, religion, family, friends.
- Sex can be about reproduction and having babies.
- Sex is often an essential part of the deal in intimate relationships.
- There are various medical conditions that affect sexual function.
- Understanding how your body works can help you understand the role sex plays in your life.
- How you feel about your body, and how you feel about yourself, may influence how you feel about sex.
- Your past sexual experiences will affect how you feel about sex now.
- At any given time many different factors influence how sexual you feel. These include stress, tiredness, alcohol consumption, health, happiness.
In today’s society we are overwhelmed by ideas and images about sex and sexuality. Yet talking about sex in a frank way can be strangely taboo.
Come on my course to talk about sex and sexuality in a small safe group.
Check out my course, befriending your body.
Resurrecting sex
After the stress of Christmas, resurrecting sex could transform your relationship!
Reasons why sex can be so great for you and your relationship:
- Exciting, enjoyable and relaxing.
- Creating a sense of togetherness.
- Increasing intimacy in your relationship.
- Making you feel good and look good.
Factors to consider when resurrecting sex:
- If your sex life is in trouble it is worth exploring whether there are other issues in your relationship. Sometimes communication is a struggle too.
- Loss of libido can be about a resentment, or a pervading sense of unhappiness with the relationship itself.
- How much do you and your partner talk about sex? What do you like? What do you fantasise about?
- Sex can be many things. To keep your sex life vibrant it helps if sex is fun. Introduce play into your sex life.
- Having good sex is not about looking good.
- If you are angry with your partner you may not feel like having sex with them.
- Let go of control!
- Things that distract you from sex need to be considered. Sometimes something as straight forward as hygiene can make a big difference. The key is to say it in love… and to be open to hearing feedback about yourself too.
Has your sex life has become stale and boring? Do you very rarely have sex? In these situations relationship or psychosexual counselling could help.
Phone or email if you have any questions about what I do.
Perhaps your difficulty resurrecting sex has a physical element. This could include difficulty getting an erection or vaginal pain. In these situations it is worth seeing your GP or an appropriate medical expert such as a urologist or gynaecologist.