Dying regrets

Top 10 regrets in life by those about to die

Palliative nurse, Bronnie Ware, cared for patients in the last weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies, gathering them together in a book.

“When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently,” she says, “common themes surfaced again and again.”

This list is for reflection. Possibly not all the thoughts will seem relevant or helpful to you. Perhaps it can be used as a reference point to understand what adjustments you would like to make moving forward.

Top 10 Dying Regrets

1. I never pursued my dreams and aspirations.
2. I worked too much and never made time for my family.
3. I should have made more time for my friends.
4. I should have said ‘I love you’ a lot more.
5. I should have spoken my mind instead of holding back and resenting things.
6. I should have been the bigger person and resolved my problems.
7. I wish I had children.
8. I should have saved more money for my retirement.
9. Not having the courage to live truthfully.
10. Happiness is a Choice, I wish I knew that earlier.

Relationships and communication feature repeatedly in the top 10 Dying Regrets. It is never to late to change the way you relate to the people you care about.

Do phone or email if you have any questions about couple counselling and psychosexual therapy.

Gender spectrum

Exploring the gender spectrum

Gender Identity

One’s innermost concept of self as male or female or both or neither—how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different than the sex assigned at birth. Individuals are conscious of this between the ages 18 months and 3 years. Most people develop a gender identity that matches their biological sex. For some, however, their gender identity is different from their biological or assigned sex.

Sexual Orientation

Refers to being romantically or sexually attracted to people of a specific gender. Our sexual orientation and our gender identity are separate, distinct parts of our overall identity. Although a child may not yet be aware of their sexual orientation, they usually have a strong sense of their gender identity.

Gender Expression

Refers to the ways in which people externally communicate their gender identity to others through behavior, clothing, haircut, voice, and other forms of presentation. Gender expression also works the other way. People assign gender to others based on their appearance, mannerisms, and other gendered characteristics. Sometimes, transgender people seek to match their physical expression with their gender identity, rather than their birth-assigned sex. Gender expression is not necessarily an indication of sexual orientation.

Gender Role 

This is the set of roles, activities, expectations and behaviors assigned to females and males by society. Our culture recognizes two basic gender roles: Masculine (having the qualities attributed to males) and feminine (having the qualities attributed to females). Other cultures have three or more gender roles.

If you want to find out more about gender spectrum you can contact The Beaumont Society.

Click for more information about relationship counselling and sex therapy.

Awakening sexuality for women

Becoming a sexual woman can be exciting, intimidating and terrifying all at the same time. As a sex therapist I’ve worked with lots of women who want help awakening sexuality. Some are single, and some are in relationships. All are looking to be more sexually uninhibited, free and relaxed.

Here are some thoughts about awakening sexuality

Being sexual has to be a decision for you.

You won’t be authentically in it if you decide to be sexual because your partner wants you to.

You can make a choice to learn about your sexuality and have better sex if you choose to do so.

Don’t let someone talk you into it because that’s what they want for you.

You need to have a discussion with yourself about if you are ready to become more sexual.Once you decide it’s for you then go on to the next step.

Being kind and loving to your body

You have only one body. Make the most of it. Almost everyone is dissatisfied with their body in some way. Decide to live the for the moment and treat your body with kindness and compassion today.

• Have a shower or bath and explore each part of your body as you wash it with care.
• Notice what makes you relax and unwind.
• Try foods with different tastes and textures and see what you enjoy.

Being sensual is an important part of being sexual.

Take a mirror and look at your vulva

The outside parts of the female genitals are known collectively as the vulva.

It will be hard for you to know what you want sexually, until you know what is there. The vulva is an important, dynamic part of your body that you cannot easily see. Every woman’s vulva is unique and different.

A hand mirror works best to take a look at your vulva and vagina.

Vulva’s come in all shapes and sizes. Identify your outer lips [labium majus], your inner lips [labium minus] and find your clitoris and vaginal opening. Understand that most orgasms stem from your clitoris so it’s important to find where it is positioned.

Explore your sexual fantasies

Thinking about sex will make you feel more sexual. Reading erotica and watching porn will also put you in the mood for being sexual with yourself.

Learn about awakening sexualtiy

There is link between masturbating and sexual confidence. Some of us were raised to believe and think sex is dirty and girls aren’t supposed to touch themselves. Your body belongs to you. It is fine to give yourself pleasure and masturbate when you want.

You can order a vibrator online and have it sent right to your house. The Beginner’s Guide to Vibrators at Lovehoney is a good place to start.

Try touching, exploring, pleasuring the vulva, clitoris, and the area around the clitoris, with your fingers or a vibrator. Practice masturbating a few times a week. You will begin developing an appetite for being sexual more quickly if you are pleasuring yourself on a regular basis. You will also begin building sexual self confidence as you learn how your body reacts and what feels good to you.

If you are having difficulty awakening sexuality, then sex therapy can help.

Call me on 07927 260 299, or email if you need more information.

Sex and sexuality

Sexuality is a complex, multi-factorial, sometimes paradoxical, universal experience.

• As with the rest of life, with sex, sometimes all goes well, and sometimes problems arise.
• Sexual issues are often treated as physical difficulties to be overcome.
• It can be helpful to view them in a more holistic manner.

Understanding about the different factors involved in sex and sexuality empowers each person work out what they need to have a satisfying sex life.

There are many different levels and conflicting elements to sexuality. Each individual has a unique dynamic sexual make up. This changes all the time as a result of new information and experience.

There are many relational factors to sexuality. These are some of the factors that can affect an individual’s sexuality:

• Ideas about sex come from society, culture, religion, family, friends.
• Sex can be about reproduction and having babies.
• Sex is often an essential part of the deal in intimate relationships.
• There are various medical conditions that affect sexual function.
• Understanding how your body works can help you understand the role sex plays in your life.
• How you feel about your body, and how you feel about yourself, may influence how you feel about sex.
• Your past sexual experiences will affect how you feel about sex now.
• At any given time many different factors influence how sexual you feel. These include stress, tiredness, alcohol consumption, health, happiness.

In today’s society we are overwhelmed by ideas and images about sex and sexuality. Yet talking about sex in a frank way can be strangely taboo.

Come on my course to talk about sex and sexuality in a small safe group.

Check out my course, befriending your body.

Resurrecting sex

After the stress of Christmas, resurrecting sex could transform your relationship!

Reasons why sex can be so great for you and your relationship:

1. Exciting, enjoyable and relaxing.
2. Creating a sense of togetherness.
3. Increasing intimacy in your relationship.
4. Making you feel good and look good.

Factors to consider when resurrecting sex:

• If your sex life is in trouble it is worth exploring whether there are other issues in your relationship. Sometimes communication is a struggle too.
• Loss of libido can be about a resentment, or a pervading sense of unhappiness with the relationship itself.
• How much do you and your partner talk about sex? What do you like? What do you fantasise about?
• Sex can be many things. To keep your sex life vibrant it helps if sex is fun. Introduce play into your sex life.
• Having good sex is not about looking good.
• If you are angry with your partner you may not feel like having sex with them.
• Let go of control!
• Things that distract you from sex need to be considered. Sometimes something as straight forward as hygiene can make a big difference. The key is to say it in love… and to be open to hearing feedback about yourself too.

Has your sex life has become stale and boring?  Do you very rarely have sex? In these situations relationship or psychosexual counselling could help.

Phone or email if you have any questions about what I do.

Perhaps your difficulty resurrecting sex has a physical element. This could include difficulty getting an erection or vaginal pain. In these situations it is worth seeing your GP or an appropriate medical expert such as a urologist or gynaecologist.

Step families

Step families can be complicated.

When families “blend” to create stepfamilies, things rarely progress smoothly. Trying to make space for everyone can seem like a impossible conundrum. Often children resist changes. Parents can become frustrated when the new family doesn’t function like their previous family. Changes to family structure require adjustment time for everyone involved.

Tips for strengthening step families

1. Create clear, safe boundaries in step families. Clear boundaries support the building of trust.
   • Possibly establish the step parent as more of a friend or counsellor.
   • The biological parent remains primarily responsible for discipline until the step parent has developed solid bonds with the kids.
   • Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules with the children and post them in a prominent place. Try to be consistent.
2. Keep ALL parents involved, if you can. Children will adjust better to the new family if they have access to both biological parents. Let the kids know that you and your ex-partner will continue to love them and be there for them. Be sure they know that your new partner will not be a ‘replacement’ mom or dad, but another person to love and support them.
3. Communicate often and openly. Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication. It can be helpful give some thought to what constitutes good communication. The following can help:
   • Do things together – games, sports, activities
   • Address conflict positively
   • Show affection to one another
   • Establish an open, non-judgmental atmosphere
   • Listen respectfully to each other.
4. Use routines and rituals to bond step families. Creating family routines and rituals helps unite family members. This could include outings to favourite places, possibly a weekly game night, or special ways to celebrate a family birthday. Establishing regular family meals offers a great chance for you to talk to each other.
   

Every family is different. It will take time to adjust to the different ways that the people in your new family do things.

Couple counselling can be helpful if:

• A child directs anger upon a particular family member or openly resents a step-parent or parent
  
• A step-parent or parent openly favors one child over another
• Members of the family derive no pleasure from usually enjoyable activities such as school, working, playing, or being with friends and family.

Contact me to see if I can help you with your situation. Also see my page on relationship counselling.

Contact Phillipa Bruce for counselling for young people.

Mindful touch

What is mindful touch?

Touch is communication on the most basic level. Touch is a necessity throughout life. It sustains emotionally and physically. Touch is about how you relate to yourself. Mindful touch is paying attention to sensations, emotions, physical experiences, thoughts in the moment of touching.

Try this simple exercise:

• Take one hand in the other.
• Close your eyes and put your attention into your hands.
• Notice the weight, temperature, texture of your hand.
• Try stroking your hand.
• Tap your hand varying the intensity.
• Explore each finger individually.

In this way you bring your attention back to your body and this moment.

Mindfulness is being in touch and aware of the present moment. It involves a non-judgmental approach to your inner experience.

Bring your attention to the things you touch in your life everyday.

• Bring your attention to your actual experience when you touch your partner.
• Let go of expectations about how you or your partner should respond to touch.
• Be curious.
• Try different kinds of touch.

In this way touching becomes an adventure!! Re-introduce play into your touch!!

Call or email to find out more about how mindful touch can help your sex life.

“One of the most basic elements of sexuality, touch, integrates the language of sexuality and attachment. Touch arouses and it also soothes and comforts”.

Johnson and Zuccarini [2010]